FOR SALE! Perfect home for the dreamer!

What do estate agents really mean when they use words like cozy, snug, warm, ideal family home, renovator's dream, needs TLC and loads of potential? These are just a few of the words homebuyers see in property advertisements on a weekly basis. It rarely ever lives up to the description or may even sometimes leave you with that awful feeling of - "Not what I expected!" The truth is, that this is the profession's jargon and can even be described as the secret language of estate agents.

I have decided to share some of the meanings in order to prepare the first time buyers. Warning though - this is simply a humoristic look at the real meanings ( I am an agent too). I am sure that many of the readers will agree to the alternative messages that some of the display ads convey.

Have you ever seen a property ad heading like this:" Beautiful and cozy home." The feeling a person get is that it really means very small not to be used as a house, more suited as a dollhouse. The phrase snug and comfortable denotes: so small that you'll need to get custom sized beds to fit in the bedrooms.

"Small and manageable garden" - if you have garden furniture, donate it to hospice, since it wont fit.

"The Renovators dream" - apply for at least one third of the selling price extra on your bond, since this place is in shambles.

"Newly renovated" - get a building inspector, the place has many cover-ups.

"Very good security" - they must have had several break-inns.

"Needs TLC" - it is a miracle the place is still standing.

"Prime spot, very central, on bus route" - watch out for traffic!

I recently saw an ad that said "R1.8m very negotiable" and the feeling is, they must be desperate and will settle for anything.

"Price reduced" means it has been in the market for a while and was overpriced to start with, nobody wants it.

"Real bargain" - ye right!

"Ideal family home", rather boring house, you won't be able to compete with the Jones's.

"For the beginner", means it is minute!

"Affordable", it is just above low cost housing.

"Homely atmosphere", the interior is old fashioned.

"Perfect summer home", it is a killer in the winter.

"Prime property", this will cost you an arm and a leg.

"Modern", stereotype home.

"For the connoisseur", you will pay through your neck.

"Directly from the developer" means leaking roof and taps.

"On the golf course", beware of flying balls!

"Immaculate" there are no rats, it is better than neat.

"Neat" very average.

"Sunny" the place has very few trees.

"Spotless" well at least it's clean.

"Hurry up" I need the commission.

"Excellent security", the place is styled like Ford Knox.

"… in upmarket area", the property tax is a killer.

"Great potential", you will need lots of vision for this one.

"No transfer costs", means don't worry we already worked it in.

"Old fashioned charm", means it has 1970's tiles in the bathroom and brownish carpets.

Neat and well kept, indicates the house doesn't have any other features to write about.

"Close to all amenities" actually means that you can expect crime in the area.

Agents that sell stands have a way with words too. "Magnificent view" means the stand is practically on a cliff, you can expect high building costs! Very private and secure denotes a stand that is cut off and enclosed by other stands.

Have you ever browsed through rental adverts and come across the words "no pets or children allowed"? It should be a warning of a grumpy landlord and difficult neighbors. It is normally associated with affordable garden flats and townhouses. It's not that difficult to get rid of the pets, but what is a person to do with the kids?

Then off course there are the ads that state "ideal for young professionals". It is dangerous wording, for professional at what? It is in fact stating, that the landlord wants his rent on time, please don't make a noise and don't expect any leniency.

Stack simplex implies your neighbor directly on top of your unit will be able to watch you tan and if you are in the upper unit, you will have barbeque smoke that whirls into your apartment every Saturday.

The next time that you browse through the property magazines, keep the secret language in mind in order to avoid disappointment. The problem with these catch phrases is that perhaps they are not so trendy anymore and a fresh vocabulary for the real estate market will do wonders!

Author: Isebell Gauché